Im listening to, and having listened, laughing
Im listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers Californication. If im being honest with myself, Im trying to rediscover the parts of me that are cool. To impress Emma. I know im depressed, i cant get out of bed in the morning, I cant seem to wake up even when im out of the bed. I think about throwiing myself off of the Mansions terrece after evering thing I need to do is over. And what makes this all worse, this doesnt even get me going enough to get what I need to get done done. I migght just be being stuck on West Island. Dnt get me wrong, its a beautiful place. But its also cut off from my friends, my stores, my car, my neighborhood. makes me feel trapped . With my family. Gahh.
In other news, SO MUCH READING. JasperFforde, I kill giants, Maus. I reallu hope that all this rapid absorption means that its actually being processed in my overly thick brain, and will emerged transformed into something like my idols would create. Chris told me that the best method for an actor was just to live life fully. Am I doing that? Or a, I living like mark, an observer in my own life? Only time will tell it seems. it does makes me feel fantastic to be reading again. Reminds me of a time where I knew what I was good at and wasdoing it constantly. Nt like right now. Right now I do a lot of whatever I can. Someday Id like to be confident in myself again. Fuck you Caroline Brown. What else? Emma.
Emma Pardini is something spcial. I find it hard to believe that we’re dating. I guess ie always dated girls that I knew would loe me back, or at least i expected them to love me back. With Emma its a vey different story. Its so apparent to me that we’re at different stages of our life. She works for a living. I cant even imaine that. ( possibly because im a spoilled rich boy) she writes and reads and IMagines!!! I love this girl. And im just so conscious of fucking it up. I should defnitely stop that. Worrying about how i act around her will only change how I act around her, and how I was is why she decided to date me. I must have been doing something right!!
You know, if this blog exists only for today, I feel better because Ive done it. And that is good enought for me.
From Now until Tomorrow, I will take in breath, and I will remember to let it out again.