There are few things that have made me feel like this. There is a baby crying on the plane. And I feel just to helpless. I want to go to the baby and try and hold it and calm it down. I know that noise. Thats the sound my sister used to make when she was hysterical. Its a sound of being confused and scared and out of control. Its a primal sound. The sound of a creature without words. And all i want to do is hold and take care of and being there for.
So at the Psych today I cried. I lost it and for a moment I had absolutely no control. I’m not sure how I got there, i didn’t mean to say what I said.
I said But they won’t like me if they knew the real me.
I’m lost in the world. I’m so afraid of the dark, or tmrw, or the thing that I don’t understand.
I grasp so hard to not lose what is already in my hands.
I don’t her today that I didn’t have friends growing up. and it’s still ostly true, I don’t make friends like other people > and she said that, and I agree with that I built this persona to make friends, to hold my family together, to be what I needed to be. but i spent all that mental energy on building the perfect Andrew, that I don’t have the substance to fill it. I have religion. I have, i have counting crows. I have the joy of watching what I’m doing, and feeling like I see something beyond what my actors see. I want to act again
I want to act again. I want to act again. I want more that anything to be something other than myself. in the hands of someone who will take care of me. I want to have the freedom of falling in a harness. freed from the fear of dying, you can do anything. all you have to do is trust the line. and if you’ve already taken the plunge, then you’ve already made that leap of faith.
i love emma. I really do. do i? I’m almost entirely sure. then why do i constantly question myself and her and the way we interact together?
I almost took a knife to myself yesterday. Or at least i think i almost did. it might have been a cry for attention. But FUCK is it so wrong to want attention? I shouldn’t feel quilty about asking for attention. sometimes other people should come at me, and I need to understand that I can be vulnerable, and then understand that it’s ok for them to percieve me as weak. I am weak. And that it not a problem. not a problem at all.
I want a tattoo