From the Vault: Emma’s Gift
Oh my god. WAIT. So I thought I hadn’t seen this email, but when you texted me I was kind of confused because I remembered you telling me you’d gotten the book (which, incidentally, I had been referring to as an oversized card until now). And as I’m reading this email, I totally remember previously reading all the things in it but somehow had filed it away as imagination or something…? Solution: I totally fell asleep in the car while/after reading these emails, then when I got to wifi and a charged laptop, I reopened and responded only to the second one. WHAT. Anyway, I hope it didn’t get to melty or anything in the mail… I definitely ran out of gaff tape… and so did Ace. I’m so torn between telling you all the things I feel like I completely and utterly screwed up in making it and…just not. NO APOLOGIES. [[Of course now I just wrote down and had to force myself to delete my self-depricating capitulations to mediocrity, and I’m sure you’ll hear it all eventually, but for now I can hold myself at bay]]. And really I’ve just spent all this time stalling to avoid the fact that yet again I have no words to respond to your eloquent explanations. I guess my problem is the same one I always seem to run into — the more something resonates with my own experience, the more I’m paralyzed – after being trained for years and years against copying and riding on other people’s coattails as well as my own personal hostility to being told “I understand how you feel,” I never know how to say that I always felt like the one at the edge of the room, looking in with wishful loathing. But I was. I still am, I often feel, and sometimes I find myself terrified and anxious and embarrassed and guiltily apologetic when I suddenly realize someone has spotted me there and pulled me out into the open, exposed under the light. But after I let my eyes adjust, it’s so freeing, so euphorically exhilarating to be there. So I guess I’m just really grateful to have you to drag me out there.
My phone just vibrated, and I’m willing to bet it’s you texting me, so that is all.
On Thu, Aug 16, 2012 at 5:41 PM, wrote:
From: Andrew Hitzhusen
To: Emma Pardini
Subject: I miss you
Sent: Aug 14, 2012 1:37 AM
I figure it doesn’t make much sense to text you because you’re probably away from your phone.
Your package came in today. It’s one of the most beautiful things that I own. I cant properly describe how happy I am that you’re in my life.
Im sort of at a loss for words. I guess to start, your book made me smile so wide and so long that i could feel my cheeks ache. It made me want to run up and down my street showing it to every one of my neighbors, to tell them about you and how wonderful you are. It got me out of the house, just so i could read it again in my cafe. Made me stop in my driveway so that i could pick out all of the references. So many references.
Im not entirely sure why, but now, 11 hours after i got it, it makes my eyes start to water and my throat tighten. Blame the long days, but i feel so loved that I’m crying over my ipad. And I’m looking at the book and i just cant believe that you’re dating me. You’re so smart and clever ( and on the occasion rather wise). You create such beauty and summon up these perfect images. I feel like im babbling, but i just cant grasp it, the way to articulate how wonderful you are.
When i was a kid, i was never liked. I cried often and liked to read by myself, so kids either left me alone or picked on me. While i eventually came out of my shell, a part of me will always feel like the little boy who watched from the sides of the room. You, in everything you do, reach down inside me and hold that little boys hand.
Thank you so much for loving me. I hope you know how much I love you.
I dont know how to fully explain how i feel but I’m going to keep trying until I do.
I love you.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry