A first letter
Hey there Bright Eyes,
I’ve been trying to start a conversation about our relationship, and I haven’t been able to subtly do it, so here we go:
I understand why we both sort of avoid this thing. I understand that it’s like being between several rocks and a hard place. We couldn’t talk during fall quarter because we were always busy. We won’t be able to talk during winter quarter because we will always be busy. And you probably don’t want to have this conversation now because you’re at home and don’t want to think about anything complicated while trying to do all your writing.
And I get that talking about how a relationship works is hard. It takes introspection and asking questions and figuring out why we do what we do.
But I’ve noticed this change in how we interact, nothing big, nothing crazy. Just little things.
First, I don’t lie when I say I love you. But love is a big, crazy, scary word. This is sort of what I mean.
But add onto that that I do want to date you and even make out with you. I want to swap favorite books and swap saliva. I want to hold you long enough for it to be a lover’s embrace and put my head on your shoulders and hold your hand. ***
Ok, to be honest, I don’t know how to say any of this. I spent so much of my time not knowing what I’m doing.
^^ sort of like this
But I try really hard. And I really like you. When I talk with you or sit next to you I feel like the world slows down for a little while. The great big looming monstrosities of everyday life seem a little more distant. I think you’re super awesome and interesting. I like your taste in books, and music, and television. The things that you like, I tend to think are pretty cool.
You said once, a long time ago, that you were a little annoyed when people were ‘shipping us because you said that just because a guy and a girl are friends, they don’t have to become lovers. And then we did. Well, I think that just because a guy and girl become lovers, they don’t have to give up being friends.
What am I trying to say? I guess, that I feel like I’ve become a chore for you. You check your email or your texts and respond to ones you get from Andrew at the end of the day. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you say, "hey, this made me think of you." or "hey, I thought you’d think this was interesting".
Now maybe it’s because I’m just always there. So I hear it all while I’m with you.
It’s those little reminders. Those little messages that say "hey, I’m thinking of you". Those make me feel special. And I don’t know if they make you feel special, but I send them anyway. Just to let you know that I’m out in the world, thinking of you.
^^^ I’m not sure why this makes sense here, except that I said thinking of you, and sometimes I struggle with the phantom-you in my head when that phantom-you doesn’t become real you.
And for spending a lot of time with you over the past year (we became friends on facebook as of January 16 according to my "Highlights of 2012 facebook doo-hicky" ), I realize I don’t know a whole lot about what you want in a relationship. Which makes sense seeing as I don’t really know what I want from you or from any relationship that I’m in, even with my immediate family. But I think part of being in one is wanting to figure that out. And I want to.
*** I want to be there to comfort you and hold you and tell you you’ve done a good job and let you cry and connect with you on something deeper than skin.
I don’t know. Does this make you crazy? I’m really sorry about that.
But not knowing where we are with each other makes me feel like I’m walking on ice. Not sure the thickness, trying not to slip and fall. It makes me a little crazy.
And I guess that something that scares me. I’m afraid of losing you. And I don’t mean not dating you anymore. I’ve settled on probable possibility that we’ll break up at the end of the year so that you can live your life fully after college. And to be honest, that’s ok with me. I’ve said it a million times and will say it a million more, I want you to be happy. But I’m afraid I will say something terrible and we won’t be friends anymore. And that makes me feel the worst. I’ve already lost one of my my best friends this year. Carrie knew me better than anyone else and we really understood one another. And it’s been ten months since she’s talked to me. I’ve heard through the grape vine that it’ll probably many more. When/If we break up, I want to to be because we can’t be together anymore or because we don’t fit together anymore, not because we hate each other. I don’t think I can stand to lose you that way. It would break my heart into a million, million pieces.
I don’t think I’m making any sense. But I’m trying anyway.
P.P.S I love you, Bright Eyes.