Why we broke up

In some ways I treat relationships very much as an investment. I pour my time, effort, love, and affection into my lover whenever I have it to spare. However, when life doesn’t go my way, when I’m struggling, i expect that love and affection to come back to me in a major way.

The issue arises when I’m dating someone who doesn’t externalize affection very easily, either because of natural inclination or external factors such as stress. In those times i turn for support, usually without fully expressing my need of it, and don’t find it enough. Which is caused by lack of affection, lack of communication skills, or by the very built up need for it., as is most often the case.

Then comes the cycle. I need more affection/support/attention, so i demand it mor forcefully. A first i don’t get it either out of not understanding it as it is given (a different love language) or because other factors restrict its giving. So i pull the Lover tighter and closer to me, trying to suck out the affection. The longer I dont get what i need, the greater it grows and the further lengths i go to get it. At some point The Lover becomes aware of my change in temperament, and one of those things happen. Either a change is made, either within me or the Lover, to quench the desire, or The Lover pulls away, unable to deal with the pressure.

The more The Lover pulls away, the more I pull towards and the more I pull towards, the more The Lover pulls away. And this cycle grows and grows until a change is made. In all experiences before this, the change is a break up.

The question becomes whether or not this is something I can or even should make a change in? Does it mean there are some restrictions on who I can date healthily? What can I tell future Lovers to ameliorate some of the stresses involved in this process? What does this mean for the future of my relationships with Carrie and Emma? Do I owe them apology? When should that apology go?


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