Thinking Thoughts

Ok, let’s start with a simple premise.

1.) Andrew is Attracted to smart, stubborn, independent women.

-Becca, Priya, Molly, Carrie, Emma

2.) Andrew is Attracted to women whom he perceives as also having a vulnerable inside.

-Becca, Priya, Molly, Carrie, Emma

If we take these two assumptions to be equally true, then we stand with the statement that:

Andrew is attracted to Strong Smart Independent  that he perceives as vulnerable.

From there, what have I done each and every time? For this, I turn to the great Phoebe Brooks. I seeing a painter painting, and say, Let me help you. Let me help  you hold up the painting, let me paint the fence. Let me support you.

I see someone who is independent and say, hey, why don’t you depend on me. I’m asking those I love to change for me.

I should be someone who argues and challenges and treats the strong independent women as equals, instead as someone who depends on me and supports me.

I guess that I want to make the woman I love realize that they can be strong, smart and independent and vulnerable. Why? Well maybe because my Mom wasn’t, and she was emotionally stunted for her entire life. Maybe because I just want someone to do the same for me, let me be strong, and support me in the night. Let me both strong and weak. But as Carrie once told me, when I’m weak, I’m a different person. And she didn’t fall in love with the weak one. I want to be someone who loves every facet, strong and weak, day and night, angry, sad, happy. I want to love completely and love every facet.

Brendan called me a leaner. That in a relationship both parties have both feet on the ground and lean forward together. I guess what I do is lean too far, too fast. And that throws the other person off and together we fall. (See the Andrew Cycle)

I need to find someone who leans like I lean. And what I can’t do is blame my past loves for not being exactly the right fit. And I can’t blame them or myself for the way things turned out. What I need to recognize is that I can’t change my Lover if I truly love them.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so much when things change. I wish I didn’t miss Emma everyday. I wish I didn’t remember the feel of her skin on mine. The feel of her mouth. The smell of her hair. I miss the sex, the intimacy, the dark. And I mourn the fact that I will never know these things with her again. I mourn this like I haven’t with anyone else.

I don’t know what makes her different. Maybe it’s like Kate said and it’s just because she’s the first to have sex with me. That would certainly fit a certain culture space. But I hope not. I hope it’s something else.


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