My thoughts on Love, Feelings, and Relationships
In no particular order
-Feelings are the worst thing ever. They are uncontrollable, often inappropriate socially, they pick fights with your well put together life and muck things up.
-Feelings are the best things ever. They are what makes us human. They raise us up to heights of expression, motivate us to become more than we are.
-Feelings get us into trouble.
-Sometimes those trouble are worth it.
-What makes feels painful is the risk of the unsatisfied dream. If we allow feelings to run free in our brains, then they spin themselves little castle webs of what ifs and maybes and hopefully whens. What makes them more painful is that we allow doubts to hang out with the feelings and eat them alive. In a confined ecosystem, the doubts eat the feelings like wolves among deer. Sometimes we build walls to protect the feelings from the doubts and ourselves from the feelings. Little prisons that we tuck into the back of our craniums so they can’t hurt us anymore. But without feelings, we miss out on the highs of living with emotions. So we tenderly open the padlocked doors of the feelings for a few individuals that we trust and we hope they don’t get crushed. The most painful thing of all is when we let the walled up feelings out and into the open, fleeting and ephemeral and beautiful and painful just in their very existence, and they still are unsatisfied.
-But the worst thing you can ever do is lock the feelings back up again and try and forget that we ever let them out.
-It is said it is better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all. I call bullshit on this. Or at least I did when I’ve had my heart broken (which happens a lot when you let the feelings out as often as I do) it’s painful and you feel stupid and you rant and your rail against how you should never have been so stupid as to have let them out or given them any thought at all.
-But I promise you that it gets better. hearts break. that’s what they were made to do. I’m going to quote from the best play i’ve ever read, “beacuase the heart is meant to break. That is what it was made to do. Break and break, and break again I shouldn’t even say break. I should say sprain. Becasue your heart cannot break and get paralyzed like my uncle jim who fell out of a window. Your heart is a muscles and muscles can’t break”
-God I’m just so exhausted.
-I want to say more. Explain how you need to nurture your feels, gently stroke them and whisper in their ears that it’ll be alright and that its ok that you have feels because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be you and you are the one that people pay to see and by pay I mean that people want to see you, not what you think they want to see in you.
-I want to tell you that he gave you a great compliment. It’s true. You would have been perfect for that show. But that show was not perfect for you. Not now at least. And he’s being a dumbfuck for giving you grief over that and I think he should put on his big boy panties and deal with it like the rest of us. You’re a rare commodity Meghan McCarter. You’re the only one that cane be you, and everyone wants you. You’re wickedly smart, dastardly funny and 100% genuine in your attempts to be genuine (and yes, I know that you’re thinking that you’re not always genuine, but the fact that you struggle to be so is apparent so shut it) Kaitlyn and I would have cast you in a second. But that’s not the way Life is going to work in this version of reality.
-Grand Romantic Gestures are always appreciated. Even when they aren’t explicitly. Everyone sees a GRG and knows that you poured a little bit of yourself into it and that hold meaning. Don’t sell yourself short. Keep making Grand Romantic Gestures becasue they are how you show your feelings. Anyone who says otherwise should call me (508-735-1541) so that they and I can get coffee and talk about the nature of life and love and attraction and gesture over a steaming beverage of joy.
-He might never respond
-That will suck
-It’s probably for the best
-sometimes I ask myself why I can never find someone who loves me as much as I love them. I used to really worry about it and rail against the Universe. Then I took 8 months off from this life and settled my shit. That’s when I realized that all you can do it pour love into the world and expect nothing back. Love because it feels right. Love because it is beautiful and terrible. Love because it is human to the core and more humanity is never a problem.
-Anais Mitchell gets me
Sleep Well and Dream well, at least I hope you did by the time you get this. WHY ARE YOU UP SO EARLY?
If you want to discuss this over food, never hesitate to give me a ring. You’re my friend and you deserve my brain to add on to yours.
P.S. I use the L Word LOVE because I like the way it sounds and feels on the tongue. It feels like permission. Permission to let things happen and then not happen and generally run their course as long as it makes you happy.