Flux

In ceramics, a flux is added to lower the melting point of the clay body so that it joins and mixes together more easily, assuming a plasticated characteristic with less energy expended. 

 
In the parlance of the Millenial, Flux is a state of constant motion or change. ex, Without a job mooring me to a single place, my life is in a state of flux.
 
My life is in a state of flux. The many changes have disconnected me from my traditional sources of peace and centeredness. 
 
I can no longer say that I am x, y, or z. I can only refer to myself by the vague nomen of Andrew, and hope that others are able to infer their own conclusions about what that means. In an environment where stability is highly prized, I have found my inner fluidity. I assume the forms that I am needed to. I take on the characteristics that I’m required to possess for short periods of time. I was once able to fool myself that when I formed into an idenity, I became it. But my suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization and recovery have forced me to accept that I cannot live that life. 
 
Now, there are certainly strengths in having a fluid identity. I am able to become who people need me to be for periods of time. I can explore limitations and boundaries without betraying an inner structure. I can extend my empathy to global levels and plunge deeply into materials and stretch across continents of feelings. You have to agree that this makes my life interesting.
 
But in moments of crisis, a lack of inner crystallization leads to meltdown. In ceramics, a super-plastic material exists in the instant before it becomines liquid glass. Barely holding it’s shape, the clay boils within itself, expanding, shrinking, warping, expending and absorbing energy, all at the same instant. 
 
I am glowing white with heat, energy, and life. But I feel like I’m boiling alive. There’s no focus, no form. 
 
Solutions:
 
1. External structure, rules, Pillars, deadlines, absolutes, 
 
2. Faith, The stockdale paradox, muddling through,groping towards the light off in the distance, 
 
Worries
 
1. Every structure has a melting point. If I glow hotter, I take down the entire structure with me.
 
2. What if this is just delusion and groping in the dark merely leads to more darkness?
 
THOUGHTS  
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: