Well Damn

Tonight one of my oldest college friends told me she loved me fiercely from freshman year. 

Fuck

Ok, thoughts. 

1.) I didn’t feel love. I didn’t feel that burning need to be with her. I love her as a friend and a soulmate and a 

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck 

Fuck

I want so badly to be loved and to love someone and give my heart to someone and be close to them.

Fuck

But apparently I’m still not over Emma. Or maybe I am. I don’t really know. All I do know is that this person, for whom I have deep feelings and attraction towards and would love to kiss (and have kissed) elicited no love from me. I’m so confused.

Maybe I am over emma and I’m finally learning that love is a dangerous beautiful emotion that needs to be safe guarded and guarded against. Maybe that’s it. 

Maybe I’m not over emma and I’m still earning for a woman who took my breath away and whose smile has always been able to melt me into putty. 

Fuck

I shouldn’t romanticize the past. She wasn’t perfect and that relationship wasn’t healthy. I was also so depressed that I personally dragged it down and to death with me. I take a lot of responsibility for that. I really do.

Fuck

I am so heartsick of heartbreak. If Ali and Gus ever break up I’m going to tear down this city brick by brick. Caroline. I hope she hasn’t broken up with her lady (whose name I still can’t remember). The worst thing I have ever said to anyone in my entire life was that I hope you fall in love, so that you’ll understand how much it hurts. I take it back. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Love hurts. Love sucks. Love is the most beautiful, terrible thing ever to develop in the human psyche. It literally trumped bipolarity. Suck on that brain chemistry. 

Fuck

Those are the women I loved. This is what it felt like.

Fuck.

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