Letter: One Year Later

Dear Emma,

Let me start with by saying I apologize. I’m sorry. My father taught me the three part apology when I was kid and would fight with Ariel. First you say you’re sorry and truly mean it. Then you explain what you did. Finally, you promise to never do it again.

My psychologist recommended I write this letter. She said that I didn’t want to be 50, thinking of all the things I did to hurt people, and have lost the chance to apologize for them. As I get closer to the day my life changed, which might sound melodramatic, but it’s the truth in my case, I’m starting to ruminate on the life I led, the people I hurt, the choices I made and didn’t make, and how I have and can further change my life to never repeat them

I did something cruel to you. Unknowingly maybe, but cruel nonetheless. I was an unmedicated and unaware bipolar who was slipping further and further into depression.  As I fell, I grasped onto whoever and whatever I could. I threw myself into producing. I spent late nights talking to Bryan. I spent all of my time trying to tie you down. I held on to you as your life was getting more and more stressful. I was jealous and controlling. I put enormous pressure on you and by holding you tighter, I was actually pushing you away. I made your life harder, which is exactly the opposite of what a healthy relationship should be. For all of that, I’m sorry.

What I did next is unquestionably the worst decision of my life. I attempted to take my own life. I was too selfish to think of what repercussions that would have in my life and the lives of all around me. Specifically, I did not think of what that would do to you. I can’t imagine the pain I must have caused you. I’ve tried to put all of that behind me. But there are some things that can’t be taken back. They can only be atoned for. I needed to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. And for the last year, I have lived the double life of someone with an unspeakable past, ignoring the wrongs I committed and acting like nothing had ever happened. I pretended that I never hurt you. For all of that, I’m sorry.

I know that you’ve moved on with your life, and I hope you’re happy and successful. I just want you to know that I have changed in the past year. I will never do to anyone else what I did to you. I hope that’s enough to earn your forgiveness. I can’t change the past or erase the wrongs, but I can promise that I will never do it-, them-, anything like that, ever again to anyone.


p.s. My psychologist told me to not expect a response. I wrote this for me, because it was the right thing to do, and because I would never forgive myself if I didn’t apologize and ask for forgiveness.


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