The Solitary Road
When I asked a mentor about my failures and upsets in what I wanted, she told me that I was walking a lonely path, well not lonely, but rather solitary. That the oath that I was walking would likely take me away from what others think and what others do. I will never be popular. And that’s a hard thing to hear. In my profession,we externalize validation towards an audience, often of our peers. Then we live on that razors edge trying to expand our own horizons. I don’t know. But rather, I think that I can live outside of that paradigm because that is what my parents have done. What I need to develop is my confidence in my own ability to make work that speaks to me.
Damn that feels cliche. It feels like I just want to do whatever I want to do and have other people tell me that it’s go
od. I need to separate myself from what others think is good. I need to stop caring what other people think. But that is so difficult for me because I care about people so much. Maybe it’s possible to care about people and not care what they think. I think that’s what Rives does at some level. A callous caring. A woeful countenance pared with a loving heart. I shouldn’t care for the approval of others, but rather the approval of myself.
But isn’t that just the damn hardest when I don’t think I do a very good job, nor do I think I give myself over for my projects as well as I should. I am my own worst critic. And a critic who hates me is not who I want to be my own guide. Maybe I should learn to love myself and love what I do, regardless of what it could be because I am the only one in my corner.
But I am working on things that are important to me. I’m working on Everything I Do. That feels right, even if I’m momentarily stymied on that. I’ve only missed two rehearsals. We can get back on the horse. We have the time. I should meet with Clayton and figure out the transition. We need a producer because I cannot and will not do that by myself. I think a reading of The Strange Undoing of Prudencia Hart would be a fabulous project for Spring, especially if I worked with the people from the Knot to make it a fully immersive production. I’m taking fascinating classes that I’m definitely smart enough to understand and do well in. That is something I can be sure of.