I’m writing this to you because I’ve been worried about some things since the day when you had the panic attack. This might be me making up things, but I was worried you were mad at me. I felt really bad that I didn’t answer your texts or email or call right away, and ultimately, I wasn’t there for you that evening–I’m so glad Jessica was, as she is such a helpful person and is so great in a crisis. But I wasn’t there, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that.
I know that I used to be one of your pillars, and I’m not really that for you any more. I’m so sorry for the pain this change must have brought you. I know I put a lot of distance between us since our break up. At first, I did this because I just didn’t know how to see you without it feeling painful. The other reason I did this was because I was really afraid of hurting Jim and sending mixed signals to you, and I didn’t know how to draw a friend boundary between you and me to make him feel safe without distancing you. So I distanced you. I am sorry.
But right now, I think we are beginning to be able to be friends again. And I’m afraid, because the thing that happened the other day reminded me a bit of my old relationships with my exes: with all of them, I tried to be friends with them after we’d broken up. But ultimately, I fucked it up by being distant, by not apologizing adequately for the past, and by not telling them I still wanted them as my friend; and in every case, it resulted in me losing them permanently from my life. And I really, really don’t want to lose you from my life.
It’s hard for me to be a pillar–for anybody. What I am better at is fun conversations about writers over coffee, which is what my best friendships are built on. But I can try to be less distant and more supportive if you need that.
Anyway. I hope you are doing better and better. I saw on Facebook that you were coming to the barbecue tomorrow, and I just wanted to let you know that of course Emmett is invited, and I’d love to meet them, and see this awesome person I’ve heard so much about.
Thanks for reading,