3 Fantasies

It’s august 8th at 11:08pm and I can’t sleep. I am haunted by a soothsayer from Italy who told me that I would have two wives and two children and would live to 120 years old. For years I’ve focused on the age of death. In my darkest times, I was obsessed with the correlation between being 21 and being 120 and what it would mean if I died then and there. But that has passed. I’m not entirely healed, nor do I think I’ll ever truly be entirely whole, but I’m healthy and moving forward.

But see, that’s the thing about moving forward, you need a place to go. I’m at a place in my life where the future yawns before me open and inviting, threatening and foreboding. I’m not sure where I should go or what I should do and finally there isn’t anyone telling me. But that means that the onus is on me and only me. And so I dream.

I have these little fantasy lives set up in my head. They are like little model universes where everything has gone right and everyone is happy. I can see how different paths lead to different parallel lives, each with their own risks and dreams and ambitions. First thing first is what city do I want to spend the next year in. I know that I’m going to do AmeriCorps. My brother did it before me and my mom made it abundantly clear that it was expected of me to do the same. Which is fine by me. I had always planned on doing AmeriCorps or Peace Corps after college. Like my Dad always said, College is one of the most selfish times in your life; therefore, after college you should try and give back to the universe a little bit. So AmeriCorps it is. But where?

I’ll have lived the past 5 years in the Midwest, just north of Chicago, and so part of me want to move into the city and begin the Bohemian life of a Chicago artist. I know this area. I’ve wanted to get into the role of an artist for a long time. This is an incredible opportunity for me. But.

But what if I went back to New England? What if I went back to my roots and moved to Boston? I could start out in a new theatre scene that isn’t over saturated with material. I could live within an hour of my family. I could start planning a life on the East Coast. But.

But what if I moved up to Minneapolis? I’ve always sort of idolized Minnesota from the time I was a small camper up in Waldsee. I almost went to college up there. I love what I’ve heard of the theatre scene. I love cold winters. And besides, what is life without adventure into the unknown?

So here, I am with three cities across the country. Each with their own pros. And cons of course. Boston and Chicago are expensive. Minnesota is far away from all of my friends. But you might be wondering, what does this city confusion have to do with love? Well nothing in my life is ever quite what it seems.

Because as I write this I realize that the three loves in my life (excluding the one who came out to me as a lesbian) are in the three regions I’m considering moving to. Emma in MN, Greer in Chicago, Priya in Boston. How crazy and typical of me is that. I am and always will be a hopeless romantic with a screw loose and shy a few marbles. But just imagine. If I stayed in Chicago, maybe Greer and I would get back together, making art and becoming bohemian academics. If I want to Boston, maybe Priya and I would get back together. Lolz, but I will never get back together with Emma. That ship as left the port in a major way. But it still is a funny coincidence.

I’m not sure what the future holds. But I need to make some serious decisions in the very near future or else the choices will disappear. Where would I be then?

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